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July 27, 2008 Est 1999 Scotland's award-winning independent newspaper
Vampire slayer impales Milosevic to stop return
Late dictator has stake put through his heart
From Gabriel Ronay from Central Europe

THE BODY of Slobodan Milosevic, the late president of Serbia and butcher of the Balkans, has suffered the indignity of having a wooden stake driven through the heart in a ritual "vampire exorcist" attack.

Days before the first anniversary of Milosevic's burial in his home town of Pozarevac, a young self-confessed "vampire hunter" and paid-up member of the local chapter of The Resistance, presumably to the Undead, dealt with the mortal remains of the late dictator in the time-honoured Balkan fashion.

The first anniversary of a man's death is a significant date in the Vampire Hunters' Almanac, apparently a well thumbed handbook in Serbia and other, even darker corners of the Balkans. Milosevic's significant anniversary date fell yesterday.

The timing of the action of vampire-hunter Miroslav Milosevic (no relation of the late dictator) was therefore fitting and proper as he wanted to pre-empt the return of the Undead Milosevic's evil spirit to this Earth. Miroslav struck at the "witching time of night when churchyards yawn" and the Undead, buried for less than a year, clamber out of their graves and return to haunt the living, according to local tradition.

Vampire infestation goes back a long way. Thanks to Dom Augustin Calmet, a dedicated vampire hunter, we have telling details of the Undead returning from the grave to haunt their kith and kin in 18th-century Serbia.

In his 1746 book the Benedictine priest from Lorraine recounts the eyewitness account of the Count de Cabreras, an Imperial officer and official "vampire investigator". In one incident in 1730, said "to contain all the features that characterised hundreds of similar cases", an alleged Undead preying on his family was examined. "The body of the Undead spectre was dug up and found to be in the same state as if it had been just dead, his blood just like a living person's". The Count de Cabreras ignored the superstitious local peasants' time-honoured treatment for revenants and ordered its head be cut off and the body burnt.

Driving stakes through the hearts of the Undead has a long tradition in Serbia, and Miroslav showed a firm grasp of the finer points of this living Balkan custom. He drove a metre-long hawthorn stake through the heart of the dead dictator. In dealing with the "vlkoslak", the local vampire variant, hawthorn is said to be the appropriate weapon. In neighbouring Dalmatia, tradition also demands that a "Kuzlak", or Undead, must be disposed of by "transfixing its heart with a hawthorn bow", according to the learned 18th century vampire expert Johannes Heinrich Zopfius as recorded in his 1733 book, Dissertatio de Vampyris Serviensibus.

Milosevic himself died in prison in The Hague, where he was tried by the United Nations for war crimes and crimes against humanity. He had drained the region's blood in his wars to create a Greater Serbia, but his malign ghost, as befits a revenant, is still haunting the peoples of the former Yugoslavia.

As the nostalgists of his Greater Serbia vision and the extremists of Milosevic's Socialist Party of Serbia had plans to mark yesterday's anniversary of their leader's death with a pilgrimage to his grave, the youthful vampire hunter of Pozarevac has shown notable political savvy. But then Miroslav is a former member of the Serbian student movement OTPOR, which hastened the political demise of the late dictator with protests and street demonstrations.

Miroslav freely informed police of his intended action. "I called the police on my mobile and let them know that I was in the Milosevic vault in the cemetery. They said be careful or Milosevic's hand might get you from the grave'.

"Entering the Milosevic vault and driving a hawthorn stake through the grave was my duty carried out in the name of the Pozarevac Resistance. I wanted to do it painlessly, without conflict with the people who would be at the grave on the day of the anniversary. After I drove the stake through the grave I presented myself at the police station and made a statement to the chief."

The late dictator's daughter-in-law, Milica Galici, has lodged a complaint over the "violation of Milosevic's grave". The complaint would be sent to the state prosecutor's office.

In spite of protests by Serbian nationalists, young Miroslav has achieved his aim: Milosevic is no longer an Undead "vlkoslak" able to haunt his home town.

Thanks to the hawthorn stake, Pozarevac is a safer place today. But this cannot be said about Serbia as a whole, which is still being haunted by Milosevic's nationalist spirit.

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Posted by: Guga, Rockall on 5:04am Sun 11 Mar 07
It all sounds fair and reasonable to me.
Posted by: Max on 8:57am Sun 11 Mar 07
If this edotorial is supposed to be some kind of joke, or an attempt at humour . . . very pathetic.
Posted by: Procrastinator, Stuck to the vacuum cleaner on 9:15am Sun 11 Mar 07
A quick consultation with my trusty friend, Google, has revealed that I don't seem to be approximately three weeks out of sync with the world.

I do wonder how seriously Miroslav Milosevic (during the bombing of Kosovo there was a taxi driver in London called Slobodan Milosevic) is taking this, and if the irreverent tone of the article hides a genuine belief in such practices in certain parts of the Balkans or eastern Europe. Only last month, a Romanian priest and some nuns were <a hreh="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6376211.stm">convicted </a> regarding the "crucifixion" of a nun whom they believed the possessed by the Devil.
Posted by: sam_m, stirling on 10:08am Sun 11 Mar 07
This is an article of juvenile humour about an act of desecration.
Dreadful!!
Posted by: Procrastinator, Stuck to the vacuum cleaner on 10:18am Sun 11 Mar 07
Irreverent, yes, but not juvenile. It offers a potted history of the fearless vampire hunters of the Balkans. Desecration? Milosovic was a warlord who pushed for several wars and tore a region apart, and was in the process of starting another one. Uncertain as the region remains, if any act of catharsis convinces people he really is dead and is not coming back, it should be welcomed.
Posted by: Disgusted on 5:02pm Mon 12 Mar 07
How to get rid of the nationalistic spirit in Serbia as a whole? It's simple: one should get rid of the Serbs. Some kind of final solution would be necessary. Is that what the author of this disgusting story had in mind?
Posted by: Procrastinator, Stuck to the vacuum cleaner on 12:19am Tue 13 Mar 07
Don't talk ****, Disgusted. I realize you're playing at the Genocide Olympics and attempting to compare a single bombing campaign from eight years ago to the ashing and gunning down of millions; while also taking a nuanced view of the vicious wars sparked by this man and which scarred the Balkans.
Posted by: Procrastinator, Stuck to the vacuum cleaner on 12:23am Tue 13 Mar 07
Don't talk twaddle, Disgusted. Better?
Posted by: m, livi on 12:24pm Tue 13 Mar 07
very very very entertaining article.. made me smile
Posted by: m, livi on 12:26pm Tue 13 Mar 07
does anyone actually believe the vampire thing btw??
Posted by: eibbor reklaw, livi on 12:32pm Tue 13 Mar 07
twaddley twaddley twaddle
Posted by: nancy on 12:33pm Tue 13 Mar 07
shabba!!!!
Posted by: Russell tierney (really), livi on 12:36pm Tue 13 Mar 07
munchos!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: mleissa byars, livingston on 12:37pm Tue 13 Mar 07
is his middle name buffy?
Posted by: e to the mma, !!! on 12:41pm Tue 13 Mar 07
i agree with nancy (sarah)

SHABBA!
Posted by: B Brown, Gotham City on 12:52pm Tue 13 Mar 07
Shabba indeed!

Can I get a re-wind!

I do enjoy it when someone enters a sense of fun into these blogs - stops all the rather annoying teachers on their lunch breaks from writing large pieces of cack.

the "Genoicide Olympics" - oh how witty and smart, ra ra ra!

back to shabba ranks - Here me now!
Posted by: Procrastinator on 1:04pm Tue 13 Mar 07
Come on, it took me several minutes of Internut research to source out the stuff about the mad Romanian monk.

>> Can I get a re-wind!

Press the button marked Budapest.
Posted by: Procrastinator on 2:45pm Tue 13 Mar 07
I'm quite sure the above exchange meant something, but my kreminology isn't up to scratch.
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