THERE ARE two Christian parties vying for votes in the Holyrood elections.In days of yore it might have been easy,in a Scottish way,to label them the Catholic Christian and the Protestant Christian parties. It is much more complicated than that. The Christian People's Alliance (CPA) claims the personal endorsement of Bishop Joseph Devine and has many members who are Catholic activists.

But also to be found in the CPA ranks are Muslims, Jews, Protestants of many stripes, and people of no faith who are attracted by the party's emphasis on family values.

As is the fashion, the name on the ballot paper will appear as Christian People's Alliance leader Teresa Smith. But there is no cult of personality. St Teresa's, the church she attends in Dumfries, is not actually named after her.

The CPA could equally have been called the Wedding Party. For them, the answer to society's ills is marriage. The way to promote marriage is to penalise cohabiting couples who refuse to sign up. The CPA proposes a £1000 birth grant and £7000 a year in allowances for a parent to tend full-time to children.

Thesepaymentsapplyonlyto children of married couples. The poor bastards belonging to couples living in sin do not qualify. The CPA would also prohibit such couples from adopting. "The unmarried relationship is inherently unstable," says Smith.

The CPA's sexual health strategy is basedonthewithdrawalmethod. Parents who discover that unsuitable sex education is going on, should withdraw their children from the class. Any such education should be "abstinence-based".

The CPA is opposed to civil partnerships and adoption rights for same-sex couples but says it is not anti-gay. Smith said she was concerned at the undue influence of the homosexual lobby. She toldhermembers:"Youwouldbe surprised if you knew what is going on behind our backs."

Mrs Smith's party has many sensible policies. Children will be taught to say pleaseandthankyou.Persistently disruptive pupils will be excluded from school. School meals will be free.

There will be alms for the poor: a minimum wage of £8.50 an hour and £114-a-week for pensioners.

As you might expect of Christian movements, there have been schisms. Brian Ross, a teacher in Lesmahagow and an ordained Church of Scotland minister, used to be vice-chair of the CPA but has now hitched his wagon to the Reverend George Hargreaves and the Scottish Christian Party (SCP).

Mr Ross left the CPA after Muslim Abdul Dean was selected as a candidate. Mr Ross explained: "I am not Islamophobic. I just don't think a Christian party should have a Muslim candidate."

HargreavesishappyAbdulis standing. "It puts some clear holy water between the CPA and our party," he said.

The Rev is fond of biblical water analogies. If the SCP did not exactly gather by the river for the launch of their manifesto, they did gathering at the Pond Hotel in Glasgow.

The SCP says it has members from many denominations but is dominated by the charismatic tendency. When Rev GeorgeproclaimsthattheScottish electorate now has the chance "to put their cross by the cross" many are the fervent cries of Amen and Hallelujah.

The CPA claim that their SCP rivals are not really a political party but a Pentecostal movement. Rev George is, indeed, as able and entertaining a Bible thumper as you would encounter in a month of sabbaths.

But he has put together a party with more candidates than the SNP. The SCP has four call centres for telephone canvassing. Their poster campaign in Glasgowhasbeenhigh-profile.As Rev George says biblically: "Great has been the company who published the word of God on the streets."

In its manifesto, the SCP lists 77 policies, including promotion of magnetic levitation. This is not a reference to spiritual uplift but a system of high-speed trains they would like to see introduced into the Scottish rail network.

The No 1 issue for Hargreaves is the introduction of a voucher which wouldenableparentstotaketheir children out of a "corrupt and vile" educational system.

The gay lifestyle, of course, gets a bit of political bashing. Both Christian parties and their members appear united in fear and loathing of same-sex relationships.

THE Scottish JacobitePartydoes not promise: "Next time,noturning back at Derby." But the SJB (for short) has a whole raft of innovative policies. Such as not having amonarch.John Black, the party founder and leader, has rebranded Jacobitism as a republican movement. Black does, however, intend to make our present Hanoverian Prince Charlie, or the Duke of Rothesay as he calls him, minister for agriculture in a new Jacobite government. Being a reasonable sort of chap, Mr Black does not want half of Britain's wealth and property when Scotland divorces England. A mere 31% will do. The new border will run from Morecambe Bay to Flamborough Head so a large part of northern England gets to be Scottish.

The Jacobites would take Scotland out of the European Union (so we can keep all the fish) but have the euro as our currency. All transport on bus, trains and ferries would be free.

Black spent much of his working life as a professor of biochemistry in the USA but is now a full-time philosopher who worries a lot about the state of Helensburgh.

There are only two others in his Jacobite party. Karen, who joined during her gap year, and Hughie the taxi driver. "You only need three people to form a party," say Black. The rest can be done online.

Check out jacobites.org. There is a great photo of the three members standing beside a phone box.

Black says we don't need political parties or a parliament. The people can do the voting via computer. The civil servants can get on with running the country, as they do at the moment.

An executive of the great and good will keep an eye on matters. Black has appointed the Sunday Herald's own Iain Macwhirter chief executive. "He's a personable fellow who talks very well."

The sad news is that Sir Sean has been dumped as president.