ANNABEL GOLDIE came over all clairvoyant in her leader's address yesterday. She said her party's star was very much in the ascendant in the Scottish parliament. She added: "There is a very positive astrological conjunction with our star in Westminster, David Cameron. There is probably some appropriate astrological terminology to describe the situation, such as Mercury in alignment with Venus."

As well as aligning herself in a heavenly fashion with her young Westminster counterpart, Annabel emerged as a biker chick. The Conservatives shared the premises at Ayr racecourse with a weekend gathering of Harley Davidson enthusiasts. As fate had it and photo opportunity demanded, she went for a hurl on a beast of a bike.

This was subsequently reported under the headline: "Goldie rides Harley at conference."Ms Goldie changed out of her trademark conservative two-piece suit. No leather gear, sadly.

Another outbreak of raciness, with shades of Annabel the dominatrix, came when she said how much Alex Salmond "revels in poking his SNP stick into the Labour flank", adding: "Mind you, not that I can blame him."

The first minister came in for some flagellation. "As Labour self-destructs, the Salmond smile gets smugger by the moment, his self-satisfaction oozing out of every pore. And there are many pores for it to ooze out of," she said in a blatantly sizeist manner.

She subsequently down-sized Salmond to "a wee Scottie dog with 10 tails" gleefully triumphant over Scottish Labour's disarray.

Labour, she said, were a "tormented rabble". Reverting to biker chick mode, Ms Goldie quoted the band Status Quo, who by chance were appearing at Ayr racecourse last night. Labour were going down, down, deeper and down.

It could have been a rock'n'roll moment but it was more like having to dance with your auntie.

She is a lovely lady but fails as a political leader to tick essential boxes such as charisma, sincerity and acting skills.

David Cameron, who trod the boards at the Ayr conference on Friday, certainly qualifies. He is well up there with the late (politically) Tony Blair when it comes to thespianism. As Gordon Brown is discovering to his cost, Cameron is the true heir to the Blair tradition.

He makes an entertaining speech. Perhaps punch-drunk after his party's success in the Crewe by-election, he chose a boxing metaphor to summarise Scottish politics. In the blue corner, Solid Goldie "the best performer in Holyrood, unwavering and unstinting".

In the red corner, Bendy Wendy "not exactly steady on her feet, likely to knock herself out". There was no mention of Alex Salmond in the yellow corner.

Until the end of his speech, Cameron made no mention of the SNP by name, as if to ignore them and they might go away. He did repeat the line about how "the ugly stain of separatism is seeping through the Union flag".

Cameron said he would do "anything and everything" to preserve the union of Scotland and England. This sounded ominously like he would despatch troops across the border to crush rebellious Scots.

It transpired Cameron meant he would work "tirelessly" with Alex Salmond "for consent and consensus". Which is quite a concept.

Last word to Auntie Annabel who cheered up her people with the news that after the next UK election there will be "a whole raft" of Scottish Conservative MPs at Westminster.

It will be quite a small raft, accommodating perhaps four or five members. But so much better for the Scottish Tories than all those years of just clinging to the wreckage.