WHOEVER MIGHT BE the coach of Hearts, his jaiket is surely on a perpetually shaky peg. But there seem to be limitless opportunities down Tynecastle and Riccarton way for bean counters. This is perhaps inevitable when the club owner is a banker.

Alex Koslovski's title (this week) at Hearts is sport director but it appears he is really head of statistics. Koslovski said that Steven Pressley did not get a game against Rangers because "computer data" showed the defence in the 1-1 draw against Falkirk had performed effectively.

Koslovski, who speaks English and therefore has the short straw of facing up to the media for Hearts, was back on the data track on Friday with a statistical defence of his allegation that the Jambos fans discriminate against Lithuanian players.

"For example Nerijus Barasa in the last game completed 25 passes. He made 13 tackles and 15 headers," parroted Koslovski, claiming that it compared favourably with his team-mates.

He says the statistics are gleaned for him by the Hearts video analysis team. They are a source of information when it comes to picking the teams but it is not, he says, just about the figures.

This is obvious. There is a strong suspicion down Gorgie way that Barasa is a blood relation of the Romanovs or at the very least Vladimir kens his faither extremely well.

TIME FOR VALDAS WE fear Valdas Ivanauskas has returned too soon to his job as Hearts coach. The stress and depression are still to be observed. Valdas said of his stint in the Lithuanian sanatorium: "It was long, but it was also a short time."

We hope this confusion is down to linguistic short- circuiting. Or perhaps Valdas took time out to read "A Tale of Two Cities" with its opening line: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Valdas, who takes up the reins as head coach tomorrow (maybe), added: "I needed this rest because it was very hard and now I feel very good. My problems are my problems, but now I feel good and ready."

Mr Ivanauskas, it should be said, is currently the best hope Hearts have for sanity and stability.

BRING IN BORAT SO farewell (maybe) to Eugenijus Riabovas who appears to have been dumped before he even took up his job, which is quite an achievement, even for a Hearts coach.

Sadly, Scottish football will now miss out on a character whose name is You Genius. Unless, of course, Vladimir changes his mind and puts the Kaunas coach in charge of Hearts.

Meanwhile, an obvious candidate for the Hearts job has been overlooked. Yes, it's that Kazakh chap Borat.

We can see him at the news conference confirming his appointment: "I manager Heart of Midlothian for make benefit glorious nation of Lithuania."

DIFFICULT KNIGHT TOMMY Docherty says of Sir Alex Ferguson: "He is a great manager but not a great man." There was some evidence of this at Celtic Park on Tuesday night when Sir Alex took Manchester United's unexpected defeat with less than good grace.

Asked by a radio reporter if he was angry with his players for throwing away the tie, he replied: "I'm not angry with anyone. Maybe with you for asking such stupid questions."

SLAV TO CRICKET IT is perhaps appropriate that a Scotsman should write the definitive book about cricket in unlikely parts of the world. Angus Bell's tome "Slogging The Slavs: A Paranormal Cricket Tour From The Baltic To The Bosphorus" is to be found in all good bookshops and probably a few bad ones.

Bell has done cricket in many strange places and was the first player to smite a ball from Europe into Asia. We don't know whether it was a four or a six.

Details of the cricketing scene in Slovenia when it was part of Yugoslavia are quite touching. They only had the one bat and when it broke had to borrow one from Austria.