WHAT DO Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor and Billy Connolly have in common? They're all less famous for being Scottish than Groundskeeper Willie, the ginger jannie from The Simpsons. Shurely shome mishtake, you might gasp, if you were partial to woeful, worn-out one-liners. Alas, no. When it comes to iconic Scots manhood, Willie comes out top.

The source of this revelation? Some flaky survey of three men and a dog by a C-list women's magazine? Wrong again. The report into US attitudes was carried out by Ipsos Mori and commissioned by the Scottish Executive. It does come with a disclaimer, though: "The views expressed in this report are those of the researchers and do not necessarily represent the views of the directorate or Scottish ministers." Funny that.

After all those bawbees spent promoting "the best small country in the world" to our transatlantic cousins, we get Willie as a national mascot. Braw.

For those of you unacquainted with Willie, let me introduce you. The groundsman at Springfield Elementary is of the red-haired persuasion - nothing wrong with that, of course. But with his fiery beard come a hot temper and a foul mouth. He's given to aggressive outbursts and has inclinations towards xenophobia. He also likes a beer or two. Willie, like the rest of Springfield, is yellow. It is uncertain if this is down to too many Embassy Regal, or just symptomatic of cirrhosis.

But while the Executive distances itself from the report's findings, perhaps we need to face up to the Willies of this nation. Because, sadly, there are a lot of them about. Venture into Glasgow's Sauchiehall Street at sevenish of a Friday night and you get a snapshot of Scotland somewhat removed from the tartan-heather-hills image. This is the witching hour, when the normal folk have gone home to watch Pop Idol and sip discounted wine from Tesco. Now out come the bams, who have also been drinking wine, but from the fortified bin. There is a tension, a hint of aggro. Unfortunately, the only other people wandering the streets at this hour are bewildered tourists. It might take a whole year of Tartan Week to convince them that Scotland is as sweet as tablet.

The Ipsos Mori report found that the American public believes Scotland has a "backward" lifestyle, with no modern technology such as computers or microwaves. Of course, we know that's not true. How else would Scots cook their Micro Chips or reheat takeaways?

The Executive might not like it, but maybe we deserve Willie as an icon. Come to think of it, some of his Springfield compatriots might also be at home in Scotland. Homer would be comfortable sinking a couple of tins of Tennent's after a hard day at Dounreay as he lolls on the sofa and contemplates an early death; Bart could skateboard to his doomed heart's content outside Buchanan Galleries, under the stony eye of Donald Dewar, until he's old enough to be a real bam; and I can just see Marge squeezing her beehive under the drier at Miracles Beauty Parlour, gabbing about how Lisa's chucked the sax for the bagpipes.

Best small country in the world? Perhaps - after a lot of fine-tuning.

Meanwhile, we can supplement the tartan tat by rolling out the Willie gonks. I'm sure the Executive are on the case.