COMPLAINING ABOUT advertisements has never been more popular.

There were 774 objections from members of the public who thought the adverts were offensive, frightening and distressing, especially to children.

For the benefit of the offended adults, I should make it clear that you don't actually get a huge hook in your gub when you smoke. It was a metaphor.

The health people used these shock tactics because they know that smoking leads to cancer, heart failure and poor circulation with the possible loss of a leg or two. All of which can be frightening and distressing.

For any children who were upset by the advert, I would point out that yes, if you smoke, you will end up with an enormous, sharp hook in your mouth. Don't do it.

The third most complained about TV commercial was for Rustlers fast food. A bloke takes a girl back to his flat "just for coffee". She is sitting on the sofa, still in her coat and obviously keen for the off.

He puts his burger in the microwave and, bingo, the sofa revolves showing the girl down to her underwear. The slogan is: "If only everything was as quick as Rustlers."

We should point out to impressionable young males that the simple act of putting a Rustlers bun in the oven may not have the effect as described in the advertisement. The lady may be more likely to keep her coat on, eat the burger and leave.

I suspect most males already know this sad truth about the adverts.

Spray as much Lynx deodorant as you like on your oxters, but you will not be pursued along golden sandy beaches by posses of bikini-clad babes.

You may have seen the current Dulux commercial where a chap's simple ploy of painting his living-room wall red has the girl from across the landing chapping at the door anxious to check out his matt finish.

Again, I have to say that this, sadly, is an unlikely scenario. Dulux should be ashamed of itself for raising expectations and will presumably be suitably chastised by the ASA.

Some of the complaints to the authority are risible. A Pot Noodle commercial which had miners digging for noodles, complete with cod Welsh accents and male voice choir accompaniment, attracted 31 protests.

What most people would see as a gentle parody of life down the pit was condemned as racist by the folk from the valleys.

The advertising regulations are something of a whinger's charter. The ASA spent time this year investigating the grievance of a family who had won a BBC competition to go on holiday to Melbourne to visit the set of Neighbours.

The woman who won what the BBC described as a "great prize worth £10,000" returned unimpressed. She said the trip, with return flights for four from London, two weeks' hotel accommodation and the chance to meet the stars of Neighbours, was not worth the £10,000 she hadn't paid for it. The complaint was not upheld.

The ASA is also a convenient stick with which interest groups can beat perceived opponents. Boots the chemists was pursued over radio and magazine adverts for nipple cream. A mum is saying to her darling baby: "Look at you with your cute little nose ... And cute little fingers ...

"And cute little everything really. Well, except that strong sucking action of yours on my sore nipples "

The Association of Breastfeeding Mothers said the ads were "offensive because they presented an unfair and negative image of breastfeeding".

I'm no expert on breastfeeding, apart from being on the receiving end all those years ago, but I suspect the ladies of the breastfeeding association are a touch militant with such statements as "sore nipples are almost always caused by incorrect feeding techniques". This translates as: "Silly cow, rushing to the chemists when she should have asked the local mother's milk collective for counselling."

An organisation called Sustain, "the alliance for better food and farming", seems to have lost its sense of humour over the advert for Heinz Farmers' Market soup.

The TV commercial opened with a view of city rooftops and a man watering cabbages in his window box. Then a woman opened her kitchen cupboard to collect eggs from hens that were nesting inside.

Businessmen were shown in an underground car park getting into tractors.

A woman crossed the road with some ducks. A man in an office milked a cow in front of a vending machine.

The ad then featured a woman in her kitchen eating a bowl of soup, as a piglet was shown coming in through a cat flap. The final image showed a shire horse in a parking bay with one of his feet in a wheel clamp.

Sustain complained that the ad was misleading because it implied that the ingredients used in the soups came from farmers' markets.

The ASA, cleverly spotting that Heinz was a multinational food company which did not claim really to grow cabbages in window boxes, keep chickens in cupboards, have pigs coming through cat flaps or clamp shire horses in parking bays, dismissed the complaint.

I get the feeling that the ASA could usefully reply to most complainants with a form letter along the lines of Get A Life.

Thankfully, most TV adverts pass me by. This is down to digibox technology which allows you to manipulate transmission times and then fast forward through the commercials.

But there is one advert which might have had me emailing the ASA. It was for Specsavers and it featured Edith Piaf singing Je Ne Regrette Rien.

The inspiring, defiant, iconic rendition by La Petite Speug is desecrated by subtitles which has Piaf saying she did have one regret. She should have gone to Specsavers.

But I didn't complain to the ASA. I simply resolved never to go to Specsavers.

GORDON Brown is an increasingly pathetic figure. Day by day he is more worthy of pity than scorn.

I am not talking about his humiliation in the English local elections, although this was quite spectacular with Labour third behind the Tories and LibDems.

It is the prime minister's wooing of right-wing voters that distresses and depresses.

Brown is, for instance, intent on demonising cannabis users for the sake of a few friendly headlines in the Daily Mail. This despite the recommendation of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs not to upgrade cannabis to Class B from Class C.

Then last week he stamped his authority on the issue law and order. No ditherer, our Gordon. He personally intervened to veto a proposal by prison service managers that prisoners' "pay" should be increased from £4 a week to £5.50, the first rise in 10 years.

This is shameless pandering to do those who proclaim that prisoners are mollycoddled and life in the nick is all Sky TV and breakfast in bed.

What Brown appears not to have noticed is that his pursuit of the unspeakable is not working. They are deserting New Labour for the real Tories.

The prime minister vows to "learn the lessons" of his poll defeat. He promises to "listen and lead".

This means he and his spin doctors are desperately working out how to relaunch his ailing premiership. As part of any rebranding exercise, a wee dash of old-fashioned Kirkcaldy socialism would not go amiss.