AAW, ISN'T that sweet? Edinburgh Zoo plans to lease two giant pandas from a breeding centre in China and put them on display in Corstorphine. The zoo is owned by the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland, and this time next year, if the society gets its way, we'll be queuing up to get a sideways peek at Ping and Pong, Yin and Yang or whatever toe-curlingly cute names the unfortunate would-be bamboo munchers are saddled with.

The hope is that in their snug, suburban enclosure - a dead ringer for their native habitat in the mountains of southwest China, natch - the pandas will while away those long, grey, captive hours finding solace in one another, and in the fullness of time, we'll hear the pitter patter of tiny panda paws.

With pandas on view, the zoo can expect its visitor numbers to shoot up by at least 25%, but perish the thought that these crowd-pleasing balls of cuddly black-and-white fur would be there solely to boost revenues. The society's chief executive, David Windmill, insists that they will allow the zoo to "raise the profile" of this endangered species and generate funds for conservation efforts in the wild. He recently claimed that "95% of all the mammals in our collection are endangered", only to be challenged by the Born Free Foundation which is adamant that Edinburgh's latest inventory shows a figure of nearer 27%.

Zoos do love to over-egg their conservation credentials. Last year, using data obtained under Freedom of Information law, Born Free reviewed the track record of the Consortium of Charitable Zoos - of which Edinburgh is a member - said to represent the most "progressive" British zoos. It found that less than a quarter of species kept by them featured on the International Union for Conservation of Nature's (IUCN) red list of threatened species. As for pumping money into conservation efforts out in the wild, Born Free discovered that of an average entrance fee of £10.30 paid by zoo punters, only 46p-70p was thus channelled.

Well-intentioned zoo lovers are encouraged to believe that Edinburgh-bred pandas might one day be repatriated to their natural environment. Dream on. Look what happened to Xiang Xiang, the only captive-reared panda so far released into the wild: he was killed by wild pandas because he hadn't the skills to survive. As the welfare group Advocates for Animals puts it, Edinburgh Zoo's pandas are "more likely to live up to 30 years in captivity, providing entertainment for the public".

But then entertainment is what zoos are all about. The main thing that distinguishes them from the now discredited circuses of yesteryear is their spurious educational credentials. But what does a child really learn from watching a wretched polar bear sitting disconsolately on some concrete rock? What ecological awareness is gleaned from the average 27 seconds that is spent looking into an enclosure, watching a listless tiger pacing up and down with frustrated, stereotypic movements ? Don't ask me. I refused to take my children to a zoo because I find them so depressing and palpably unable to give wild animals the habitat and climatic conditions they need. But they went with school anyway, and weren't impressed. For days after I had to keep cheering them up because they felt sorry for the animals.

Zoos are dismal, calculating, commercial operations, second only to Disneyland in parting trusting adults from their money on the promise of an improving family day out. Edinburgh Zoo currently charges £11.50 for an adult and £8 for a child. The cheapest family ticket is £35, and that doesn't include buying snacks or souvenirs. Few households will see much change from £50.

If you really want to help staunch the global haemorrhage of endangered species, you would do better to donate such a sum to international charities such as the World Wildlife Fund, Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth who tirelessly challenge the universal drivers of wildlife destruction. From the once bamboo-clad slopes of the lofty Chinese mountains that used to sustain pandas, to the swampy tropical forest that once teemed with orang-utans and tigers, wildlife destruction has the same root causes; wanton destruction of habitat to make way for plantations of profitable commodity crops such as palm oil or soya, over-fishing, aquaculture and inappropriate fishing methods, poaching (for trophies or traditional medicines) and last, but not least, climate change.

In the specific case of the giant panda, conservation bodies agree that conservation of their bamboo forest habitat is the best way to increase their numbers. Edinburgh Zoo's proposed acquisition is at best irrelevant to this objective and, at worst, a distraction from it. The fact that any provision of support for bamboo habitat projects will be dependent on the acquisition of animals for exhibition suggests that Edinburgh Zoo has its own, non-conservation agenda.

There are currently two motions before the Scottish and Westminster parliaments to halt Edinburgh Zoo's outlandish plan. They could yet throw a spanner in the works. No offence to the two giant furballs, honest, but it's best that they stay at home.