ACCORDING TO Lord George Foulkes, the Labour MSP, we are being "brainwashed" by nationalism on wheels. The Scottish government's plan to repaint ScotRail and SPT trains with a uniform Saltire livery is "nationalism by creep" says the overwrought Labour spokesman and Hearts supporter. It's a totalitarian act straight out of Orwell's 1984.

Every time an innocent unionist Scot boards one of these vehicles of psychological disorientation, they will enter a state of existential unease, while subtle messages are implanted by nationalist thought police. Passengers will emerge at their destinations as fully fledged nationalists, complete with kilt and claymore, ready to slaughter the first Englishman they encounter.

But at least it will give people something to do while they wait, stationary in their delayed carriages, somewhere in the Scottish wilderness. "Eh, we apologise to passengers for this slight delay, eh, in our destination scheduling, but, eh, this is owing to a severe case of leaves on the line at Croy. In the meantime, why don't you vote SNP at the next election, like."

You can imagine the response: irate passengers leaping out of the carriages in anger, burning the nearest saltires.

As anyone who knows anything about brainwashing will tell you, the repainting plot clearly had nothing to do with promoting nationalism - it was really about undermining it. The livery is repainted every three years and the plans to alter the colour scheme actually predates the election of the SNP government.

The colour scheme was clearly a unionist plot to turn people against anything to do with an independent Scotland. What better way to alienate Scots from their national flag than to brand it with one of the most loathed commercial organisations on the planet? Every time a train is late, or the toilets are overflowing, or you can't get a seat, or there is no train at all, or you pay a ludicrous £17 just to travel 35 miles to the Edinburgh festivals you will now think of Scotland's national standard. Forget the National Conversation, this is enough to make anyone see the downside of independence if ScotRail is to be the emblem of the new Scotland.

If the SNP government were even half-sensible about brainwashing they would repaint the carriages with huge Union flags and crosses of St George, then sit back and watch the voting figures as people vent their fury against the unionist rolling stock. Perhaps they could start with the buses and those stupid Edinburgh trams instead.