THE UEFA Cup final at Hampden is an ideal opportunity for locals to embark upon a wee fiesta. I recall the social aftermath of the European Cup final in 1976 when Bayern beat St Etienne. A follower of Les Verts, sporting a magnificent green and white top hat, was drowning his sorrows being bought pints and chatting up the girls in a heavy Maurice Chevalier accent. He was, of course, a chancer from Maryhill.

Anyone wishing to imitate such behaviour on Wednesday should know that many fans of Espanyol will be wearing very uncertain kilts. An entrepreneur in Barcelona has been selling Espanyol fans kilts in the club's blue and white colours. The kilts come with a free scarf in the same checked material and cost only £3.50. You will gather we are not exactly talking about garments of Geoffrey (Tailor) Kiltmakers standard.

But Espanyol fans have bought more than a thousand of these cut-price kilts. If your wife has a pair of blue and white checked curtains, just wrap it round and you'll blend in no bother.

If you want to make an Espanyolista feel at home in the Merchant City - the part of Glasgow designated for their pre-match fun - simply say: "Que tal, perico!" This means: "How's it gaun, budgie!" The budgerigar is the club mascot.

Or you could have an amiable chat about the fate of their city rivals FC Barcelona in the Spanish cup semi-finals last week. Barca were 5-2 ahead in the first leg but crashed out after losing 4-0 to Getafe (as in come on Getafe).

Espanyol won the Spanish Cup last year. Now they are in the Uefa Cup final at Hampden. Normally, the pericos fret over the threat of relegation from La Liga. Espanyol live in the shadow of their city rivals whose fans tend to have a dismissive attitude towards them. They are not really seen as rivals. Partick Thistle fans should readily empathise with the budgies.

Espanyol has a Catalan tradition. Don't say "Viva Espanyol!" Say "Visca Espanyol!"

The Catalans have a tendency to be careful with their money, as you might find if you're waiting for one to buy a round in the pub. The fans rose in revolt at what they perceived to be rip-off prices of about £500 charged for trips to Glasgow. They protested by walking off the terraces at a recent home game at the Montjuic stadium. The Espanyol fans demanded that the club should subsidise their flights to Glasgow. This does not happen in the real world, of course.

The Espanyol vice-president Sebastian Javier has instead promised to spend £350,000 on buying every member of the playing squad a Mini car if they win the cup.

The discontent of the budgies at the perceived high price of getting to Glasgow was reflected in an opinion column in AS, one of Spain's many daily sports newspapers.

The journalist opined that it was OK for the Uefa fat cats who would be wined and dined and would not have to put their hands in their own pockets. But why should ordinary fans be forced to travel to such a faraway and inaccessible place as Glasgow. A city with few direct flights and "very little infrastructure apart from pubs". Hopefully, this particular scribe will return from Glasgow with a different opinion of the city.

Sevilla fans, or biris as they are called, have a different view of Glasgow and its people. They recall the passion and enthusiasm of the 80,000 (or was it 250,000?) Celtic fans who took over their city for the Uefa Cup final in 2003.

Some Sevillians plan to wear green and white as a compliment to Glasgow which is remarkable considering those are the colours of their bitter city rivals Betis. Uefa and Sevilla club officials have been busy putting across the message they should stick to their own colours since the wearing of green might not go down too well with some denizens of Glasgow.

Finally, if you want to impress a visiting Sevillian or Espanyolista with a bit of colloquial Spanish, just say their team is "de puta madre". The literal translation of this phrase is "of prostitute mother". But it is the equivalent (and don't ask me why) of our own expression "pure, dead brilliant".

* C'mon the budgies!