CLOSE YOUR eyes for a moment and try to visualise Real Madrid President Ramon Calderon. Yes, that's right, beautifully groomed, urbane, self-obsessed, complacent and a manner which screams the message that "people like me own and rule the world while you are all simply plebs".

If, by the end of this piece, you again visualise Sñr Calderon, but the mental image of a kind of Spanish Harry Enfield braying "I got loadsamoneeeeeey," and waving wads of banknotes doesn't appear, then I haven't explained things sufficiently well.

The last few days have brought Real Madrid's transfer market spending to just under 119m this summer - a truly mammoth investment which might, once, have indicated a couple of footballing Rolls Royces such as Figo or Zidane in their prime were arriving, against the odds, to pull on a white shirt.

Instead the world's "greatest and most successful football club" has displayed the financial forward planning of Viv Nicholson (Spend! Spend! Spend!) and the unhurried elegance of a frenzied competitor on Supermarket Sweep.

It started with the inexplicable decisions to a) replace Fabio Capello with Bernd Schuster - a coach whose thuggish Getafe team would have given a bad name to the British Navy press gangs of the 1800s, and b) to haggle for weeks over the 600,000 compensation fee to free him from his contract. Thus decisions were put on hold, negotiations stalled and player availability dried up.

These have been the results. Pepe, raw, rough and tailor-made for the 100 mph English Premiership, has been bought for the second highest price ever splashed out on a defender. Not considered good enough for a squad place with Brazil, not yet a prospect for his adopted nation of Portugal, Real Madrid overpaid by something like £8m.

Madrid's technical staff had wanted Christian Chivu as their first choice central defender, but President Loadsamoney wanted to prioritise media impact over judgment. Hence the Pepe deal. Hence the price. Chivu wasn't expensive enough. Thus far the Brazilian has kicked an opponent off the ball, spat at another, conceded a crucial penalty, been booked twice and sent off once during a pre season where Madrid have suffered six defeats. He'll get there but it will take time and patience.

Christoph Metzelder has lumbered into town despite the fact Schuster publicly dissected the centre-half's game (negatively) in Germany last season.

Madrid's technical staff had warned President Loadsamoney that Kaka wouldn't agitate to leave AC Milan and the European champions would never sell him unless under extreme duress from the player wanting to leave.

Loadsamoney wouldn't listen. Thus the Kaka story snaked on all summer but the bite was applied to Madrid when, finally, they gave up, then failed to sign Michael Ballack and, with money burning a hole in their pocket, vomited out 36m to sign Wesley Sneijder (a B+ creative midfielder no better than Guti) and Royston Drenthe (a wonderfully talented but raw left winger).

Madrid's negotiator Pedja Mijatovic even tried to shotgun the Sneijder negotiations with Ajax, warning that their first offer was a final one. But three days later Mijatovic was not only forced to apologise but also to pay the full asking price amidst the panic of Madrid's first-leg defeat to Seville in the Spanish Supercup. Lose a game? Sign a player.

Then came Arjen Robben; at 36m vastly too expensive for a player as fragile as the American mortgage market and signed for the previously unacceptable price simply because the Spanish champions shipped five home goals to Seville when losing the Supercup second leg. Lose another game? Bueno. Sign another player.

What about Gabriel Heinze? Well he agreed personal terms with Real back in May but didn't join until August because he preferred Anfield to the Bernabeu. Humiliating? It should be.

Result? Real Madrid have a very full squad and the potential to build an exciting team. But almost every deal has lacked value with players signed for a price sneered at a week previously and, with an unbelievable lack of memory, Emerson has been sold just like Claude Makelele was judged superfluous in the summer before Madrid's four year run without a major trophy. Because, you see, defensive midfield is not a "sexy" position. Equilibrium is simply a good Scrabble word as far as President Loadsamoney is concerned.

Perhaps Schuster, who has never won a trophy in 10 years of coaching, will make it all work. Perhaps the knuckle-duster football his previous teams practiced will transform at the stroke of midnight from a pumpkin into Cinderella's carriage.

Even if that unlikely scenario comes to pass there is one indelible image which will abide from this summer of Spend! Spend! Spend! It's the sign reading "Sucker - please take my money" which someone has sneaked up and pinned on the back of Calderon's jacket.

No harm to the loyal Madrid fans but it would be wonderful if solid, well-planned teams like Villarreal or Seville domestically and Lyon, Liverpool or Bayern Munich were to tear Loadsamoney FC to shreds this season and let someone sensible begin the job all over again.